Life
Many of you know both Laurie and me. We have been living together for over two
years now, and it was more real every day. I've known her for about 5 years,
and after her husband passed, we started dancing together. One night, we danced
to a magical "Kind of Blue" at Eli's in Oakland, and that was that. Our first
night together, after she showed up in a belly dance outfit, was on Halloween
two years ago.
I came home last night from the airport and found her body on the floor in the
dining room. She had been dead for hours, apparently, and the medics were
unable to revive her. They took her with them when they left. Cause of death is
yet to be determined.
We had three things planned for this year.
For her Birthday, I was to take her to Leonard Cohen at her request. I could
only get tickets for Wed. Her Birthday was Monday, and we celebrated it in the
morning and I flew out of town returning yesterday to find her. Tonight I took
her favorite picture of herself with me to the concert, intending to seat her in
her chair. Instead I held her the whole time, and cried when he opened with
"Dance Me to the End of Love". I could feel her with me, enjoying the
performance and being alone with me in the crowd. An usher came by and gave me
a handful of tissues.
In the intermission, I checked my messages and one of her best friends, on her
honeymoon in Hawaii, had returned my call. I called her back and told her the
bad news, and what I was doing. We cried together.
I was also taking her to Tom's Mens Gathering in New York ( no she was going to
wait in town), and then we were looking forward to a week in Costa Rica. I had
managed to get us both upgraded to first class there and back, which she was
looking forward to. We had been upgraded to first class to Mardi Gras this
year, but were in coach on the return. That was her first time in First. (Yes, I
fly a lot.) She was pleased with me and looking forward to the trip. She made
me go with her to buy tropical clothes.
And then there's Burning Man. This year she wanted to incorporate sound
healings into our camp as her contribution to the community. (And my desert
bunny wanted a trailer with air conditioning, too.)
But things don't always work out as planned.
I'm sitting here writing this to clear my head, but I feel guilty at not being
here when she passed away. I feel her in my presence here and don't want to
leave the house.
She had dreams about dying before me and asked me to help her move on if it
happened. She sensed she would have a problem, and I told her not to worry and
that of course I would help her. I didn't realize that it would happen
yesterday, I thought it was years away.
I am struggling with letting her go, and my heart doesn't want to keep the
promise my head made. It has not been long, but it hurts so much.
I guess I'm asking for help from those who feel the calling and who know this
work. Please help her move on, and help me to find the grace to let her go.
Maybe this is the way I can keep my promise.
Love and blessings to all of you
Lou
4/15/2009
